“I become a schizophrenic bore
when I combat in the corporate rat race…
Love is my kingdom,
I am done competing.
The worth of my find is self-evident,
as my soul awakens on this enlightened path.”
I wrote this while working my way through the inspired workbook, Zen and the Art of Making a Living, written by Lawrence Boldt. I was living in Los Angeles at the time and working at Paramount Pictures; I moved down there with the intent of directing movies, good movies. Didn’t accomplish that dream, but found another path to follow. I started writing and taking a photography class; I truly enjoyed my time in that city, it’s such a creative and inspiring environment. The only thing that town really lacks is an appreciation for nature, but there was rarely a dull moment.
I remember enjoying meeting new people and finding out what their passions were, as that is what LA is all about, passion! For me, it was a time best described as “unplugged”… an electrical cord wafting in the breeze, waiting to be connected to the universe – yep, that was me! Funny though, now that I’ve been plugged in for so long… I sometimes yearn for those acoustic days. I truly felt I had the true vision for how best to inhabit this planet & it went like this:
“People live closer to nature, love becomes the goal to make your life the best — the highest value; community is strong, peace reigns, fun abounds, light-hearted rejoicing.”
Vaguely sounds like a party in the woods!! Regardless, although I had written that down, I soon had a “revelation”, and I divined that FAMILY is the real purpose of life; community and love could both be found in family, and then would follow contentedness and peace. This was the moment that I finally came to want to start a family, to share the love that I knew would blossom on this path.
I now believe family is the extension of what Wayne Dyer refers to in his quote, “we are because we belong.” Likewise, in the movie, “I Am”, Tom Shadyac claims that. “The truth of who we are is that we are because we belong… the basis of nature is cooperation and democracy – it’s in our DNA.” I left Los Angeles in 1995, I had two options; to head to NYU for my masters in Interdisciplinary Studies or return to San Francisco where I felt I could mature into my destiny of wife and mother. I actually knew that my future hubby was now ready to meet me too… I felt that if I did not accept my fate, I would lose my one love forever!
“I know from whom I run,
I cannot hide or make fun.
It is time to decide my fate,
I now choose to create.”
Fast-forward to my 30-year reunion one year later, just before I officially returned to Northern California… where I started dating and fell in love with my husband. For the record, nothing was forced or fabricated; we fell head over heels, best friends forever, want to jump your bones, all rolled into one kind-of-love. Pretty amazing, then and in hindsight!!
Three years after marriage, we started creating our two beautiful kids; that was when life changed forever. I can still remember the first moment I held my baby girl and the small, ever-so-quiet panic that swept over me… I was responsible for another human being. I could raise a dog, but could I handle the responsibility of a human? Will I be a good parent? Was I crazy for thinking I could do this? Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Luckily, I did remain calm and life did move along; but I changed a little bit every day. I stopped searching for meaning in life, stopped writing eventually, and stopped caring for anything other than the well-being of my family.
Fast forward again, to now, where I am still busy raising my kids, but teenagers have a knack for pushing their parents away; providing the well-deserved time and energy for other endeavors… and I am reborn. Actually, I credit my battle with ovarian cancer for my rebirth, but the timing is the same and I am so grateful for this new adventure. I am putting effort into a project that provides me a daily dose of joy; I truly do not have a plan for where these efforts are leading me. I just feel pure satisfaction posting my blogs & that’s enough for now!